blonde_tears

08:15 pm: life has been kinda tricky lately.

i got diagnosed with depression last week and they started me on meds. the meds kinda suck a lot right now. the effects don't build up in your system enough for u to notice the effects for 4 weeks. but the side effects start right away. they go away over time but uggg. i have been so tired and almost sick to my stomach. it has not been fun.

i've also been having issues with my boyfriend. we stoped talking for a few days which was really hard for me. but i think it was good too. we ended up staying otgether but now he's in jail for 3 weeks. which super sucks. i thnk we'll be fine. it was suppose to be 6 months but bc of the buget cuts and over crowding it turns out that u actually only surve 10% of the time. which is bad for our justice systen but good for me right now.

everythings just been really hard lately but i go to italy in a little less then 2 weeks and i can't wait. it should be fun.

09:27 am:  so my life as really changed recently. i was in pretty bad shape after clark broke up with me. once i stopped talking to him as much and realized that we really weren't together anymore and all my hopes were for nothing i realized how much damage he had done to me. bc of him i hated myself and hated sex and thought that i was fat useless and worthless.

clark constantly told me that i was an attractive and that he would rather be fucking this girl or that girl and tell me in great detail what he wanted to do to them. he told me that i was fat and really needed to lose wight. i went off and on with not eating and only would start eating again when someone convinced me i had to. this person was never clark. he also made me feel that i was worthless to anyone else and that no one else would want me. and i completely believed him on all of it.

then i met jonathan. i have actually known him mom for years (since i was 2) but i haven't seen jonathan since i was 10. all i heard about him was his fuckups. him and his mom don't get along so she would come over and talk to my mom about all the things that jonathan and fucked up on. all about his drug problems and the rehab and then ho she had had to kick him out of the house. all of it. not the best way to start a friendship much less a relationship.

the first time i saw him again was about 2 months ago at his moms house. me and my mom were helping his mom clean out her garage and he was living there for a while and came out to help. he was older and cynical and sarcastic. we got along great. there was a lot of that kinda barbed flirting. it was kinda strange for me bc i didn't even know he was living at home again and i hadn't flirted in years. but it was really nice. as i was leaving he asked for my number.

we hung out again about a week after that. i was scared that clark was right about everything so i was very standoffish and very guarded. it didn't mean a thing to jonathan. after the first night we hung out he called me on it and told me not to bother bc he could see right through it all and i was just going to wear myself out trying to keep it up. i wasn't sure about this at first and didn't want to let them down but he kept being able to tell me what i was thinking and what was going on even with them up so i gave in. we hung out like everyday. we would try not to but we would always end up calling each other and hanging out. within a week we were having sex. lol. i know a bit fast.

i have completely re-found my love of sex. completely. i thought clark had killed it forever but no. definitely not. it's not even that it's better sex then clark. clark knew how to get me off each and every time. but i still didn't like sex. jonathan may not get me off every time but i always want sex. even if i don't get off. i never thought i would like sex again. i used ot be scared of sex and during sex with clark. i always thought he was going ot hurt me. with jonathan i have no fears at all. it's kinda amazing to me.

jonathan has really helped me a lot. he's older (which i always wanted but never thought i was going to get) and he has dealt with a lot of life. he has dealt with depression and can call me on it. he is much more mature and is in a closer place in life to me then any of my other boyfriends. he seems to be exactly what i need right now and i am so grateful to have found him. we've been going out now for about a week and even when i'm super pissed off at him he can always make me smile and feel that everything's going to be ok once we talk it out.

so i'm much happier right now. i feel like my life is back on track and that i have support to do what i want to do. i feel so much better knowing that there is someone who is going to take care of me when i'm sick and make me laugh when i'm mad. i'm well on my way to getting over the pain caused by clark. thank god.

07:38 am: i love waking up here and drinking coffee and watching the sunrise glint off the glass covered windows of westwood.

at times i hate this city. with it's smog and beautiful people who always make me feel so ugly when i sit next to them. with it's traffic and destruction. i hate some times how huge it is and how out of so many people living in the city i have so few friends. and then i leave.

i spent 5 days with family in San Francisco. and then on a whim went up to humboldt. i'm still not sure why i went or if it was a good idea. i'm still really confused about a lot of things. i was there for 10 days. it might have been the most emotionally straining 10 days of my life so far.

i have still not dealt with dylan's death. i have said "ok it happened. move on." and pushed it down. i didn't even realize how much i hadn't dealt till i got there. then it all hit me. and again i felt i had no right to morn. i was not wanted up there after it happened when everyone else was dealing and i felt bad for dealing with it after everyone else had already done their morning. i hated myself for crying in front of others about something that they hadn't wanted to deal with me dealing with. i know it's wrong for me to feel this way and that i have just as much if not more right to morn his death then people who were there. i basically lived with him for a year and i was extremely close to him.

i won't go in to the heartache and confusion that came out of staying with my ex who i still love completely. just know it was a lot of both emotions.

and then i came home. driving into the city i felt like she was welcoming me home with a hug. i remebered why i had moved back. this city doesn't care who you are. you can be whoever u want. it's like a best friend who knows all your life story and secrets and plays dress up with you everyday. i feel like i can go anywhere. i can be a straving artist working from a studio apprtment in venice or i can work in the studios and live in the hollywood hills. everything glitters here. from the broken glass in the streets to the shop windows in beverly hills.

with so much to choose from it's hard to find yourself. no one here will tell you who you are. you have to find it on your own. they give you all the options and then say "ok so who are you today?" and that's a hard question to answer. it would be easy in a smaller place. you can't be as many things. people won't understand who you are if u aren't one of the 5 things that town has. but in LA whoever u want to b there are 100's of people in the city like that. no matter what you wear or what you do no one looks at you funny bc they have seen it all before.

after being away i realize just how many options i have. there are no bars holding me back. i just need to go out and do it. i just need to remember that this city loves me no matter what and there are a million people in the city so there has to be some that want to hangout with me.

06:41 am: it's been a while since i wrote here. i guess it's time for an update.

so im living in LA again. i couldn't handle being at HSU. so now i'm going to SMC and waiting to transfer to long beach or somewhere. we also have an exchange student from Sweden.

one of my close friends up in humboldt committed suicide about a month ago. it's still very hard for me to talk about him. he was also the roommate of Clark, the guy i was dating for 2 years plus some. Clark broke up with me about a week ago. which i guess is ok bc it was a very abusive relationship. it was hard with 12 hours of distance between us. but now thats over. it's strange to be single after so long. it's hard bc clark and i still really love each other. he just has so much shit going on in his head that he needs some space. which i'm fine with bc he gets me out of dealing with all the guilt trips and emotional bull he puts on me.

the only issue is that now there are other guys in my life. i realize now that i haven't really dealt with anyone else bc being with clark took so much energy. now i have all these people around me. i've kinda been flirting a lot with one of my old friends, josh, which is weird. i had a thing for him back in like 11th grade or something. but then he moved to Arizona. and i gave up on him thinking he didn't like me. it's seems that now it turns out that he liked me the whole time. but he still lives in az. he's a cop there. lol. so i've been talking to him a lot. it's weird to be able to act on your crushes. i'm kinda loving it.

i also have a crush on (new roadies don't laugh) kip. lol. he is super sweet and has become kinda hip from going to college. i've spent some more time with him lately (when he's in town) and it's been realy nice. but i don't know if he gets that i have a crush on him. oh well.

so for the next few weeks my life is going to be crazy. this week is the last week of classes (ie. the last week to turn in hw i haven't done) and starting next tuesday it's finals!!!!! totaly not ready. not to mention that i turn 21 two weeks from last Sunday. and have an 8 am final the day after. josh is driving into town for my bday. and he will be here all weekend. kip is done with school that weekend too. and austin gets back from Argentina. i have no idea what is happening over xmas. my extended fam doesn't seem to want ot do what we do ever year and clark wants me to go with him to his moms. i have so much to do and so little time.

i hope all your lives are good!

08:48 am: it's a new year
ok so i have a few resolutions. i hope that i can keep them.

1) work out more lose wight and eat better. i've been trying but i can't make it stick so i really want ot try harder.
2) be more tolerant of others. i need to stop getting feadup with people so quickly.
3) work out a schedule and stick to it!!!! i've  been needing to do this for years.
4) somehow make my mom understand how serious i am about Clark.
5) figure out where i'm going ot school next year and when i am going to do a semester at sea.
these are the main ones that i HAVE to get done. a lot of them i've really been needing to do but have been to lazy to do. i will think of more i'm sure.

i love you all.

07:32 am: off i go

well i go back to HSU today. of corse it beautful in LA right now. now that i'm going ot go spend 6 hours in a car. fantastic. i hope you all have fun in the coming year. bye!

06:59 pm: i'm back from italy and still have no idea what i'm going to do with my schooling. great. god i need help.

08:33 am: i know i haven't updated in forever but i guess i should now. a lot is going on. i am trying ot decide if i want ot go back to HSU or stay in LA and go to SMC. i really actully hate HSU and don't get along with anyone. i spent the whole year hanging out with clark and another friend dekota. i also did badly in classes and got kicked out kinda but i can get back in. i'm going ot get back in either way i chose for my transcrip. but i'm not sure i will go back there. if i can get a job working in some studio now that would make me decition for me. clark is trying ot get a job with his brother down here so he might move down here too. i miss him so much. i don't want ot make me decition based off him but i know i'm going to. i can make the best of it no matter whree i end up but i don't know whitch one will make me happier. clark comes down in 3 weeks and we are going to talk it all through then. i miss him so much.

i go to italy today. i'm really excited. i really need to get out and calm down. all the school stuff is stressing me out no end. i haven't told my mom that i'm tecnicly kicked out right now and she would flip if she found out. and she is so proud. her and i are getting along so well. we hangout every weekend and talk. not much but enough for me ot be ok with it.  but it's still hard ot keep it from here and it sends me in to panic attacks and breakdowns.

friends are funny sometimes. the people who i tohugh i would be seeing all the time when i got home i haven't seen at all or have baraly seen. the people i tohugh i would never see again i've hungout with almost every other day. part of me want to go out and hang out with people but a part of me is just to busy fliping out about everything. i want ot hangout with more girls. badly. most of the people i hang out with are guys and i don't ant ot worry clark. i love him too much to do that to him. i also miss hanving girlfriends. you can talk aobut so much more with girlfriends then you can with guys.

well i have to go finsh packing and getting ready. i will be back in about a week. like 9 days. so if any girls want ot hangout call me when i get back!!!!! i love u all and hope you are all doing ok.

07:56 am: hey all,
i haven't posted in a really long time. i'm back in LA now so i guess i should catch everyone up as to what is going on in my life.

the most important is that i have found clark.  i've been with him for all 8 months i've been at hsu. it's pretty amazing. he's one of the sweetest guys ever and matches me very well. at times he gets ridiculously sappy but i do too so it's ok. i've never had such a crazy relationship though. we fight about once a month. once a month i'm in tears and we are about to break up. but we never do. it seems so wrong. he says he will change. and for a change he does. i've never had a bf that will change when he is told he needs to. when we first started going out he was not the type of person i would ever introduce to any of my family or close friends. not as bad as keith but still not someone i would show off. but as i came up with reasons we could be together and told him he change it. i told him i didn't date guys who did drugs. he stopped completely. i told him i needed someone who was cultured. he rented or downloaded every movie i said i liked. i said i needed someone who was going somewhere, he has a job offer now for when he gets out of school. i said i needed someone smart, he's going for he's master in business, and not because he likes business but because he will help him. it seems that everything i have come up with he fixes so i can't use it. and i can't say i mind. i love him so much. he's sweet after those long days where i just feel like curling up and crying to sleep. on nights like that he makes me dinner, brings me a rose and holds me. he plans on moving ot LA when he gets out of school to do sculpting for movies, and because he knows i want to move back to LA. around others it seems that i run the relationship and that he worships me. he does a little but not completely. he calls me on my bullshit and isn't blind to my faults. i'm not made of glass to him like i was to my other boyfriends. i'm real to him. i love it. i can't see us ever breaking up. he is designing our house that we will get after college, and i can't say i mind. he knows that it's a long ways away but he doesn't care. everyone whose met him likes him. i've met his family and he's met mine. i've never had a secure relationship in my life and it feels amazing to have someone like him there for me. this summer tho we will be spending 2 months apart. he is going up to oregon to be with his family and work. it's going ot be very hard. all year we have  been right there for each other. i slept at his place every night and other then times that we were in classes we were with each other. this will be the longest we will have been apart and it will be a strain but i think we can do it.

other then that not much has changed. since being with clark i am much more calm and relaxed. this summer i plan on learning how to long board (for clark) and work out more. i also am going to keep on top of politics. i've cut most of my hair off and am going to use that as a changing point.

i want ot see all of you this summer. if you guys are free call me. i miss all of you. hope ot hear for you all soon.

09:15 am: ok so i want everyone ot tell me their fav 3 cd or artists. i need new music so tell me what you like. yay!!!

09:24 am: slowly now slowly
    i think something i mis about humboldt right now is the life. everyone is living a full life up there. wather i agree with the way they are doing it or not. down here ppl are dieing.
    i have to sit and watch my grandmother die in front of my eyes. i watch my mom slowly stop all her fun. i watch my sister soffcating in this godforsaken house. i never want to end up that way. i don't know how my mom does it. to sit there and watch her mother die in front of hre eyes everyday. to have to feed her and change her the way that same woman fed her so long ago. to watch her slowly fade. and theres nothing you can do but watch.
    to watch my mother turned down a trip to san fransico. to watch her know that she can't go bc her mother is dieing. i can't imagin what she goes thro everyday. to know that she smells like death at this point and that won't leave for a while. to know that she will never get better... only worse. everyday to wake up not knowing if today is the day you will have to bury her. on one hand hopeing she is still with you and on the other knowing that it doesn't mater bc she won't open her eyes or takl to u or reconize your voice. i hope i don't go that way.

    it's home. it's life. theres nothing you can do to change it. you have to take the glitter with the broken glass. it's LA. city of lost angels. it's home

11:03 am: i'm sick!!! i thought i was getting better but i just got worse. boo. no fun.

today is my roomie's b-day. i'm a little jelous. she has been getting gifts from all her friends back home. it made me relize thatmy b-day is going ot suck. it's during finals week so i can't do anyhting on my bday or the weekend before bc ppl are going ot be busy studing. and i can't do anything the weekend after bc ppl are goingo t be gone bakc home. it sucks.

i really hate being sick. i'm not going ot any of my classes today. i feel bad about that bc i've been missing a lot. firsty i had cramps now i'm sick. boo. i don't like this. and i miss u all madly. i talk about all my friendsa back home and life in LA so much. it a bit redic.

i love u all. call me or email me or mail me. pleasssssse.

#3273
355 Granite Ave.
Arcata, CA
95521-7914

07:27 am: last night was amazing. god.

so yesterday morning my sister and brother left. i already miss them and kinda don't knowwhat to do with myself now. my mom is being really nice right now. which helps.

last night me and eric went ot see rent. we went to typhoon first for dinner and then to the theater. he's dad's driver took us, he had amazing eyes. soo pretty. anyways so we saw rent which was amazing!!!! oh my god i loved it. theye all did a really good job and the way they used the set was sooo cool. actully very new roadsy. then we drove down sunset to pch and up to topanga to a lookout. it was so pretty. i'm soo in love it was great. it was a perfict night. i felt so pretty and happy and loved. it was amazing.

09:11 am: rent!!!
i am going to see Rent the play on the 23rd. i have the most amazing boyfriend ever!!!! i'm so excited right now. yay. i love him sooo much. not that i didn't before this. lol.

04:36 pm: i'm home!!
well i'm home. i can't tell u how much i miss it already. it waqs amazing as always. kinda jet laged. i'm just waiting for my loving boy to come see me. anyone want ot get together this weekend??? or this week??? i miss u all madly. i might post pics later. it was pretty amazing. best food ever. god i don't even feel like eating bc i know it won't be as good. wich is good actully bc i probly gained like 20 pounds over there. lol. so yea ppl call me!!!

10:03 am: i don't a cell phone anymore. so don't call me. please give me your nyumbers so i can call u guys bc all my numbers are in my phone. i fucked up last night so my mom took my phone. she says she is going ot cancel it so i might not be getting it back. feel free ot call my house. 477-1175. we don't pick up so leave a message and i'll pick up. if i'm not home leave a message with your # and i'll call u back as soon as i can.

i love u all.

07:58 pm: leaving for san fransico right now. be back sunday. call me if u need me. bye

08:55 am: well i'm home ya'll. long drive. i liked sacramento state tho. ot was nice. right on the river. real pretty.

now that i'm home i miss it up there more then ever.

i need to see ppl. like now. jane call me. chelsea call me.

i need to paint my room.
i need to see my boys.
i need to hang my torre flag outside.
i need to talk to shelly and change my scadule.
i need to see jane.
i need to see chelsea.
i need to see rachel (and danny).
i need to see mor (and izz.
i need to see hana and germ and david and earic.
i want to see mac.
i need to go get more makeup.
i need to call my boss and start working again.
i need to look into more collages.
i need to find out how much it will coust to get myself a real camera.

if u can help with any of these please call asap. all this needs to be done before school and some even sooner.

09:20 am: i just found out that torre won the palio. this makes me happy beond belif. i love them. but they havenb't won in like 44 years or something sad like that. the also have the best colors.

THIS IS TORRE THE BEST OF THEM ALL!!!



GO TORRE!!!!

i want ot have a party for them. and wear my torre flag everywhere.



on my second cup of coffee for the day. i am still sleepy. god i could shot myself in the face before i heard about this great event.

09:09 am: there are 2 giant rats sitting behind me.

don't worry they are in a cage.

i want ot go to egypt. i really do. anyone what ot go with me??

i thnk everyone should read or listen to one of elizabeth peters books. preferably one of tthe vicky bliss series. that is the book that has my future man in it. sir. John. or john. the quoter of scaspeare. i told my mom about it and said that i might have to wait bc no one my age quotes scasperew or john dun. i know their has to be someone like that out there. but i don;t know where or when. all i know is that i will find him. duck hunting to the max. heehhee.

i am going ot be painting my room when i get back. can't wait. i get ot decide everything. i love it. heehee.

love u all madly. miss me much?